Dark in here

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
She wasn't know that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here.."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are
in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go
outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy
sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

DR.Usman Chaniago MSc.

Usman Chaniago, supir camat di Payakumbuh, minta berhenti karena akan merantau ke Jakarta untuk mengadu nasib.

Mula-mula dia bekerja sebagai tukang kantau di Tanah Abang, setelah dapat mengumpulkan sedikit modal dimulai pula menggelar dagangannya di pinggir jalan di Tanah Abang.

Nasib rupanya memihak kepadanya, beberapa tahun kemudian dia berhasil memiliki kios kain di dalam pasar. Dia pun berkeluarga dan memiliki 2 anak.

Tahun ini dia membangun rumah di Depok, di lingkungan perumahan dosen UI.

Karena tetangganya semua akademisi, macam-macam gelarnya, ada Prof., ada Phd. dll. Usman merasa malu kalau papan namanya tidak tercantum gelar seperti tetangganya.

Dibuatlah Papan naman dari perak, dipesan dari Koto gadang, dengan nama DR.Usman Chaniago MSc.

Ketika ayahnya datang berkunjung, sambil bangga dia bertanya di mana anaknya kuliah, sebab setahu dia, Usman hanya berdagang.

Dengan malu-malu Usman menerangkan gelarnya di papan nama:

Disiko Rumahnyo Usman Chaniago Mantan Supir Camat.

Sex itu apa?

Alkisah, seorang anak perempuan yang baru masuk sekolah bertanya kepada ibunya.

"Mami, mami, sex itu apa sich mi?"

Terkejutlah si ibu sepermpat mati. ia kemudian teringat akan kemoderenan zaman sekarang yang membuat manusia berpikiran lebih terbuka.

Sesuai dengan konsep pendidikan seks yang sedang hangat dikatakan, mulailah si ibu mencari jawaban yang sesuai untuk anaknya dengan harapan anaknya takkan terjebak dalam arus pendidikan global.

Maka, si ibu pun mulai memberikan jawaban mengenai apa itu seks dengan perumpamaan antara kumbang dan bunga, diikuti dengan pembentukan bayi dalam kandungan dan diselipkan juga dengan kisah percintaan antara mami dan daddy-nya dari zaman kuliah, hingga kehadiran sicantik, yaitu anak gadisnya yang bertanya itu.

Tiba-tiba si anak menangis terisak-isak. Si ibu keheranan dan bertanya.

Si anak menjawab dalam tangisan; "Jawaban Mami itu panjang banget. Tempat jawabnya pendek saja, Nih..." katanya seraya menyerahkan buku latihan yang di covernya tertulis:

NAME : ......
SEX : ......
CLASS : ......
SUBJECT : ......

Rugiyem atau Tugiyem

Tukijo , tukang kayu dari daerah pegunungan Wonosobo suatu hari dapet kerjaan bikin meubel di hotel di Yogjakarta. Dia berangkat duluan dianter bininya Tugiyem kestasion bis, dengan janji besoknya bininya bakal nyusul.

Sesampainya di Yogya dia lantas segera kirim email sama bininya.

Di Lain tempat namun masih di Wonosobo, Rugiyem seorang istri yang sedang berduka baru saja mengantarkan jenazah suaminya Paijo kepemakaman. Selesai dari pemakaman dia langsung pulang kerumah, lantas dia buru buru buka e-mail, untuk cek berita berita dari sanak keluarga.

Begitu dia buka email, dia menjerit lalu pingsan......,
anaknya heran, lalu ikut baca emailnya, lalu ikut menjerit...., dan pingsan pula.


Sebenarnya, pangkalnya itu si Tukijo salah pijit tombol, kirim email ke bininya mustinya Tugiyem@wonosobo.co.id jadinya Rugiyem@wonosobo.co.id. Maklum jarinya tukang kayu segede jempol, T dengan R kan dempetan.

Mau tahu isinya yang bikin keluarga Rugiyem histeris...

Isi emailnya :

'Yem isteriku tercinta,
Terimakasih banget yo, udah nganterkan aku tadi pagi,
Aku sudah sampai dengan selamat, disini diterima baik baik,
Aku senang sekali karena banyak teman lama yang sudah duluan sampai,
Katanya kamu akan nyusul besok, namamu sudah aku daftarkan disini,
aku tunggu yaa supaya kita berdua bersama disini
oh, ya ternyata disini lumayan panasnya,


salam kangen,
suamimu 'Ijo.

Penyelundupan Dengan Mayat

Sebuah keluarga di sebuah Provinsi Selatan China, dibingungkan saat peti jenazah dari nenek mereka tiba dari AS. Peti itu dikirimkan oleh salah satu sepupu mereka di sana. Jenazah nenek mereka nampak sangat terhimpit di dalam peti dan tidak ada ruang lagi yang tersisa.

Saat mereka membuka tutup peti jenazah itu, ditemukan sebuah surat di atasnya, dan mereka lalu membacanya:

Sepupuku yang terkasih,

Bersama ini aku kirimkan tubuh nenek karena dia ingin untuk dikremasikan di tanah leluhur kita di Tung Shin.

Maaf aku tidak bisa datang karena kesibukan kerja yang luar biasa.
Kalian akan menemukan di dalam peti, di bawah tubuh nenek, 12 kaleng Yohmeitsu, 10 kantong coklat Swiss! Dan beberapa kantong Chinatown Lap Cheong. Itu semua untuk kalian, dibagi rata, ya!

Di kaki nenek, kalian akan menemukan sepasang sepatu Nike Air (ukurannya10) untuk Ah Cu. Juga ada 2 pasang sepatu untuk Ah Mei dan Ah Lien. Semoga ukurannya cocok.
Nenek memakai 6 buah T-Shirt CK (Calvin Klein). Yang ukurannya besar untuk Ah Bak dan yang lain untuk para keponakan. Kalian pilih sendiri yang mana.

2 buah celana jeans Armani yang nenek pakai adalah untuk anak-anak.
Jam tangan Rolex yang selama ini Lee Ah Bai inginkan ada di tangan kiri nenek.

Untuk bibi Pei Pei, nenek mengenakan kalung, cincin dan anting merk Tiffany yang selama ini engkau inginkan. Itu semua untukmu. Juga ada 6 buah kaos kaki Polo yang dipakai nenek dibagi juga untuk para sepupu.

Jangan lupa, beritahu aku apa lagi yang kalian butuhkan karena kakek akhir-akhir ini juga memburuk kesehatannya. Aku dapat mengirimkan semua itu saat kakek kita kembali ke sana juga.......

Ditunggu surat balasannya..

Saya Sudah Tahu Semuanya

Di sekolah, Sutiyoso diberitahu oleh teman sekelasnya bahwa sebagian besar orang dewasa pasti menyembunyikan sekurang-kurangnya satu rahasia, dan bahwa mudah sekali memeras mereka dengan mengatakan, 'Saya sudah tahu semuanya".

Sutiyoso kembali ke rumah dan memutuskan untuk mencobanya. Ketika ia tiba dirumah, sambil memberi salam kepada ibunya, ia mengatakan, "Saya sudah tahu semuanya." Ibunya segera memberinya 20 ribu rupiah dan berkata, "Jangan ceritakan pada ayahmu!".

Kemudian dengan sabar, anak itu menanti ayahnya pulang kerja, dan menyalaminya dengan berkata, "Saya sudah tahu semuanya." Ayahnya cepat-cepat memberinya 50 ribu rupiah dan berkata, "Tolong jangan katakan apa-apa pada ibumu!"

Pada hari berikutnya, ketika Sutiyoso mau berangkat ke sekolah, ia bertemu dengan supir ayahnya di pintu depan. Anak itu menyalaminya sambil berkata, "Saya sudah tahu semuanya."

Supir itu segera berjongkok, mengulurkan tangannya dan berkata, "Kemari, nak! Peluklah ayahmu ini!"

Pembantu Bodoh

Pak Sobirin mempunyai seorang pembantu lelaki yang agak bodoh namanya Ucok. Suatu hari Pak Sobirin meninggalkan istrinya di rumah dan pergi ke kantor. Waktu sore telepon genggam Pak Sobirin berdering, sang istri menelepon sambil marah-marah, "Bapak cepat pulang!! Kalau tidak aku minta cerai, cerai & cerai!!!!".

Spontan saja Pak Sobirin kaget lalu segera dia bergegas pulang. Sampai di rumah Pak Sobirin bertanya kepada sang isteri, "Ada apa sih mah? Tiba2 kok minta cerai???".

"Tanya aja tuh ama si Ucok!", jawab istrinya.

Pak Sobirin bertanya kepada Ucok, "Cok, Tadi kamu ngapain ibu!!!".

"Saya cuma melaksanakan perintah tuan kok!", jawab Ucok.

"Emang kamu saya suruh apa???", tanya Pak Sobirin heran.

"Lho tadi kata bapak kalau hujan ANGKAT ROK IBU, TERUS MASUKIN BURUNGNYA...".

Spontan saja bapak kaget, "Bodoh kali kau Ucok!!!".

Marga Batak

BBM naik, hidup tambah SIMANUNGKALIT
Banyak SIHOTANG
Hidup bagaikan mendaki TOBING
Kepala pusing sampai SIBUTAR BUTAR

Rambut rontok dan nyaris POLTAK
Jumlah rakyat miskin sudah PANGARIBUAN
Anak-anak menangis MARPAUNG-PAUNG

Otak sudah SITOMPUL
Tapi kita masih diminta sabar SITORUS
Jangan putus HARAHAP katanya
Mintalah PARLINDUNGAN,
Supaya BONAR-BONAR selamat......

BUTET dah...!!

Tukang Roti

Seorang tukang roti ditabrak metro mini, lalu polisi datang dan bertanya, "ada apa Pak??"

Si tukang roti yang uda sekarat menjawab, "ada nanas, keju,coklat, dan mocca.."

Nenek Sewot

Seorang nenek yang nyebrang jalan hampir ketabrak motor.

Pengendara motor marah : "Nenek bego! Nyebrang jalan gak liat-liat!"

Nenek sewot : "Lo yg bego!! Nabrak nenek-nenek aja gak kena..!!"

Gembala Yang Mengesalkan.

Suatu hari, Eko seorang mahasiswa peternakan berpapasan dengan seorang gembala dengan kambingnya. Eko bertanya dengan takjub:

Eko : "Pak, boleh nanya nih?"
Gembala : "Boleh"

Eko : "Kambing-kambing bapak sehat sekali, bapak kasih makan apa?"
Gembala : "Yang mana dulu nih? Yang hitam atau yang putih?"

Eko : "Mmm yang hitam dulu deh........"
Gembala : "Oh, kalo yang hitam, dia makannya rumput basah"

Eko : "Ooohh....kalo yang putih?"
Gembala : "Yang putih juga...."

Eko : "Hmmm....kambing-kambing ini, kuat jalan berapa kilo pak?"
Gembala : "Yang mana dulu nih? Yang hitam atau yang putih?"

Eko : "Mmm yang hitam dulu deh........"
Gembala : "Oh, kalo yang hitam, 4 km sehari"

Eko : "Ooohh....kalo yang putih?"
Gembala : "Yang putih juga...." Si Eko mulai gondok........

Eko : "Kambing ini, menghasilkan banyak bulu pertahunnya ya,pak?"
Gembala : "Yang mana dulu nih? Yang hitam atau yang putih?"

Eko : (dengan kesalnya) "Yang hitam dulu deh...."
Gembala : "Oh, kalo yang hitam, banyak......10 kg/th"

Eko : "Kalo yang putih?"
Gembala : "Yang putih juga...."

Si Eko mulai kesal: "BAPAK INI KENAPA SIH SELALU NGEBEDAIN KAMBING JADI 2, PADAHAL JAWABANNYA SAMA AJA ????????????"
Gembala : "Oh, gini dik, soalnya yang hitam itu, punya saya......"

Eko : "Oh begitu pak, maafin saya kalo gitu, habisnya saya emosi. Kalo yang putih punya siapa, pak??"
Gembala : "Yang putih juga"

Eko : !!!!!??????????

Three Questions

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"

"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"

"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

The Lawyes Was Right

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

Mission To Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go -- and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

The Brain

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

One Whole Day Skipping

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 40 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor.

" No, from skipping."

The son of a bitch called back.

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son of a bitch called back."

Murder Case

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

Put On Two Coats

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Broken Bones

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every
single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.

The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with
her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells
"Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her
composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told
you I broke every bone in my body."

The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss,"
he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is,
you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken
your finger."

That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari

A blonde wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a handyman- type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?" he replied. The blonde said "How about $50.00 ?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder were in the garage. The man's wife inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes, the blond answered and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats". Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.00 "and by the way the blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari".

Blonde Execution

Ready, Aim...

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

When Everyone is startled and looks around, She's escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, when everyone is startled and looks around, She's escapes.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"